One More Round...

Wrote this down about a month ago, but never really found the courage to post it...

"It was a lonely Sunday afternoon. Nothing much happening & I was just lazing around unable to sleep. Tried watching a movie, but then decided not to. I ended up sitting on the couch and swapping channels on the tv, not particularly interested in what was being shown. To summarise, I was doing absolutely nothing & was with a BLANK mind. And then it hit me, all of a sudden.
It hit me like a speeding train & I was helpless. It was the feeling that I am going to die ALONE.
To tell the truth, I dont realise why this happened to me. May be I am out of my mind or something. But it did & it grew stronger every second. The transition of my mind from being completely blank to being occupied by this solitary thought was suffocating to say the least. A lot has been going on lately, this was probably a side effect of it.
I am not really this kind of a person. My friends tell me that I spread the humour around all the time. But very few have actually tried to understand the real person inside of me. One who is emotional and passionate. Is it a weakness? I dont really know that either, but that's how I am..and that's how I will remain.
We sometimes spend a portion of our life running after something passionately & then all of a sudden we realize that it was just a mirage. Something that didnt exist actually, but the false impression led to its pursuit. A fruitless pursuit in the end. But for me the real question is, was this pursuit worth it? Truthfully speaking, I really don't know right now. But I am still trying to figure out the answer.
Its hold on me was broken when my mom came in and asked if I wanted to have tea. But its still there, even though the effect has calmed down a bit. It is still eating away my brain slowly & gradually. And I cannot do a thing about it.
And today, whenever I've said " I am fine", the line from the movie "The Italian Job" has popped up in my mind, (Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional)
GOD help me..."

Now, about a month later, something has changed. Some part of me has died & will never return back. But I still believe that "Whatever happens, happens for the better" and this will keep me going. I am now looking at life differently and this is thanks to all the support that some people around me have provided. Its time to move ahead now, coz its not over yet...."ONE MORE ROUND"!!